There was a time when I thought, and was taught by well-meaning professionals, that I must CONSEQUENCE EVERY LITTLE ACTION. I must be FIRM.
Ok, now, I'm not saying "goodbye boundaries!" Boundaries still exist in my parenting paradigm. But, boundaries are not everything. They are there because they are a part of life. They are there because he needs them. But... and this will be hard for many to understand. They are not the end all to be all.
Relationship. That is where it is at for Phineas and me. Daily I do something to build it, to make it stronger. Think about it. What will happen when he is a teenager if I spent his formative years consequencing his bad behavior, and with holding the relationship building because it looked too much like a reward? What if at the end of the day all he had to look back on was the criticism, the punishment, the yelling, the time-outs... and this boy knows how to work all of that in the name of attention seeking.
Some days I do well at this relationship building. Those are the days I stand firm in my role as "scaffolding supporter." What kids like Phineas need as they navigate through the choices they are presented with daily is scaffolding. It's like being an external brain. My job is to remind him of the choices he makes, and what happens when he makes them. I try to not bark out orders. Our kids need to make their own choices. They do not need to be told exactly what to do and how to do it. Phineas needs scaffolding as he makes these choices. For example, "you need to your boots on now. If you don't put them on now, you might miss the bus." Or... "remember what happened last time you got in your brother's personal space like that? He got really mad, and he hit you. You both got in trouble. Maybe you can chose to move your body over here." I know it might seem permissive, but I'm telling you. You want to see Phineas flounder and fail, you bark an order at him. Every fiber of his being feels the intense urge to go against the direct order. The scaffolding approach is what works best for Phineas and his brain.
I'll give you an example of how this works well.
We were at the home of some friends who have two boys the same ages and Ferb and Phineas. I've mentioned the one, Herb, before. Herb (not his real name) is Ferb's best friend. I'll call his little brother Bert. It was Bert's birthday. We were invited for cake, but no presents. Phineas went a little crazy when we got to their house. He was running to and fro, causing trouble and a little anxiety for Herb and Bert. He was touching beloved Lego creations. The more traditional approach would have been to bark out an order. "PHINEAS. Behave or I will (fill in the bland with some consequence.)!" But, I was on it that night. I was momma bear extra ordinaire. I stepped aside from the gathering, and scoped Phineas in my arms, applying sensory input all over his body.
I whispered in his ear, "your legs!!! Phineas, what will YOU tell YOUR legs to do?"
He smiled at me with his sparkly brown eyes. "Walk! I will tell my legs to walk.... walk legs!"
I rubbed his arms briskly with my hands. "And your arms? What will you tell your arms to do?"
He held his arms in front of him and said, "ARMS! I am in control."
"Good job. If you need a reminder to keep your arms and legs in control, I will be right here to help you remember."
And, the rest of the night went well.
Today was a day when the stars of parenting seemed to align. At first I was worried that I was setting us all up for some kind of failure. My mom was to work, when she usually does not on Tuesdays, freeing her up to bring Isabella home from school, and bring Phineas to wrestling. So, I had to figure it out and manage to get to class too. I thought I might have to skip class, and it's a once a week class. Skipping is a bad idea.
I found a saint of a friend to pick Isabella up from the bus. Ferb and Candace went home. (Isabella goes to a different school, and the bus picks her up and drops her off at a different location.) Candace is of baby-sitting age, so she babysat Ferb. (That marvelous girl even cleaned the house and baked cookies!) I had Phineas go to the after school care program. I picked him up when my one class ended at 3:15, went through the Hardee's dive through for a chicken tender kids meal, and then made it to my 4:00 class with him in tow.
He was perfect.
I was in shock.
Not once did him make any bad choices.
He did some homework. He ate his food. He colored. He played my DSI.
He had pictures at wrestling that evening, so I had to leave class a little early to get him there. As we left he asked me, "what class is this?"
"It's 'Human Behavior and the Social Environment,' honey."
"Well, maybe we better stay, because, remember, my behavior is not that good."
(Ack! I love that kid!)
We went to wrestling. Pictures were taken. Wrestling moves were practiced. And then we got ready to go.
His coach approached him as we were getting ready to leave, and had a serious talk with him about listening, and following directions, and learning to be a better wrestler. Phineas looked a little sorrowful.
"Phineas," the coach said. "I'm not angry. I'm not yelling at you. I'm helping you to be a better wrestler."
"It feels like I'm getting yelled at."
"Phineas. If I were a coach who did not care I would have yelled at you. I would have said, 'knock it off!' or something like that. But, I'm a coach who cares about you. I'm a coach who wants you to be a good, tough wrestler. So I'm talking with you about what you can do to be that..."
I pulled him aside, and thanked him. I explained a little about how Phineas' brain works. He told me he gets it, that he has a couple boys with learning disabilities, and that they are a lot like Phineas. I told him that Phineas might need to have that talk several more times before it sinks in. I told him that in order for Phineas to be successful in life, he will need support from all the people in his life, especially his coaches, since he is so athletically inclined. The coach agreed with me.
I felt like the stars were in line for Phineas today.
Then we went to the McDonald's drive through because we were both hungry, and he needed a reward for making such good choices, and I had to hurry to pick up Isabella. (No time for the grocery store and a healthier option.) At first he wanted a happy meal. I told him two things from the dollar menu. He was mad. Then he pulled it together, and ordered an apple pie and a small sprite. This pulling it together thing was HARD. But he did it!
When we got to the window, we found they were out of pies. He almost lost it, then decided to get a McDouble instead. Whew. Then there were pickles on it. Almost lost it, pulled it together.
This is huge.
There was no rage. No tantrum. No accusing me of hating him.
He fell asleep on the way home.
It was a huge day for him. He accomplished SO MUCH.
I'll end with a picture of him from Friday when he took first at the first wrestling tournament of the season. He was pretty pleased. The first match he won 8 to 2, the second and third matches he won with pins.
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